Recently, I’ve felt as though I was holding a compass whose needle just kept spinning in circles. I’ve been going through so much change in my life. I know, so many of us can lay claim to that statement; the world itself is changing at a rapid pace. Having married, closed my business, sold my house, 90% of my belongings, and moved to a different country without speaking the language, I recently found myself wondering what had happened to my center. I’d relinquished so much comfort and control over my outer life and felt pressured to make too many really important decisions in too small a time frame. The stress was taking me under, submerging me in a depression the likes of which I haven’t seen for some time. I started to wonder where I’d gone. I would check in with my inner compass every so often in the hopes it had stabilized, but that damned needle just kept bouncing back and forth in a rather disconcerting fashion. So I reached out for help.
Thanks to a group of worldwide colleagues who comprise a Toltec wellness circle known as The Wishing Well and the founders in particular, Gene Nathan and Oksana Yufa I started to come around. With their support, I realized I was investing my whole self, happiness and all, into making my overseas life and marriage work. I was so heavily invested that I couldn’t see what it was doing to me. I was swinging wildly between either denying and exaggerating everything that was going wrong because there was just too much at stake. I was pushing through and ignoring my body and spirit. I was in total fear and at the mercy of the ongoing conflicting voices in my head.
When I finally and wholeheartedly made the commitment not to invest my happiness outside of myself, I went for a long walk in the fields. I could feel a presence or two with me. I kept turning around expecting to see someone, but there was “no one” there, except of course my angels. At first, I was walking with a mission to sort it all out. Then, I got the message to just stop–something that Oksana urged me to do. As I felt my head clear, I heard myself affirm that I am the most important person in my life. Period. I also heard myself say that my happiness is more important than anything. It’s more important than my need to be with someone. It’s more important than my need for comfort. It’s more important than my fear of survival. It’s more important than my desire to live in France. It’s more important than any of the dreams I have for myself, in fact, and more important than the people in my life. It’s more important than being right or wrong, more important than having it my way, more important than appearances, pride, or having things appear a certain way…more important than anything. The deeper into it I went, the more I realized how backward I had it all in my head. Despite “knowing” happiness was not something found outside myself and despite “knowing” that I didn’t need something to happen or not happen to be happy, I was still living as if it was and as if it did. The truth was so incredibly liberating!
This newfound awareness has created so much space in and around me. I no longer fear what will happen. Will Stuart and I stay together? Will we end up living in two separate countries visiting each other every 6 months? Have I lost everything for nothing? Will I move back to the states? Where on earth will I go? It no longer matters because happiness is the most important thing. No matter what happens, I choose happiness. It is an added blessing that Stuart agrees with this approach.
This is NOT to say that I will ignore the fear, pain, grief, whatever. It does NOT mean that I will not feel sadness or disappointment ever again. Of course not. I have no desire to repress anything and fall asleep again. I will take it ALL and be happy ANYWAY!
Now when I look down at my inner compass, the needle points to happiness. And that’s really the only direction I’ll ever really need.
Yogi Bhajan, responsible for bringing Kundalini Yoga to the West, taught a very powerful meditation using the syllable of “HAR”. I’d like to share it with you.